If there’s something I struggle with it’s unlearning people-pleasing behavior. It’s so prevalent in the Indo-Caribbean (Surinamese-Hindustani) culture I’m from. But I also grew up in Dutch society, which has more direct and down-to-earth attitudes. This means I have a bicultural upbringing, and that there’s already a tension in different norms and values. This tension runs deep, because culture influences our behavior, the way we see the world, and what we think and feel.
This influence of culture might not always be noticeable to a member of the culture, but since I have the blessing (and curse) of growing up bicultural—with the clash of Indo-Caribbean and Dutch culture front and center—I can say I’ve definitely noticed some differences.
In my Indo-Caribbean culture people don’t want to say no because they’ll be considered rude, or they believe that they can always help someone else out. Give all you can, it’s not about taking. Those are the Hindu teachings: The principles of dharma and karma (an extremely simplified explanation: it’s about having compassion for others and understanding that every action has a reaction, which can also carry into next lives). That’s all wonderful, but this seems to have created a culture of people pleasers who are not assertive and have bad boundaries. At least, in my experience.
I’ve seen so many examples where people abuse the kindness of others, because they know that the other person is unable to say no. Asking someone to work for free for long periods of time, asking to borrow money from someone to buy a car while that person is mourning the death of a loved one and otherwise engaged with Hindu mourning rituals, asking someone for a favor repeatedly that they know doesn’t actually benefit the person.
It’s unacceptable to me. Inconsiderate. But when I bring up these moments to the people pleasers (since they are responsible themselves, even if they can’t say “no”) the response I usually get is that they couldn’t refuse. So, truly, their “yes” most likely meant “no” but it wasn’t respected. If I continue questioning that logic, the mindset is that they’re doing good by giving and they will be rewarded in life for it. If not now, then later. Bending over backward for others, however, while you suffer and create negative situations in your relationships is just bad boundaries. It’s not kindness or compassion, not when you let other people walk all over you. This attitude of martyring yourself for others really doesn’t serve you. Not right now, and if you don’t learn from it… then how will it serve you in the next life?
What will you gain from it exactly? Resentment? Stress and pressure? Dishonesty? Bad relationships? Bad boundaries? Depression?
All the above, in my case!
There’s a limit, right. I’m not saying don’t be compassionate and don’t help others. I’m saying… also help yourself, also be compassionate to yourself. The more you give to yourself, the more you can give to others. So sometimes that means saying “no”—to yourself and to others.
It’s more complicated, however. Although hardly anyone I know from my culture is able to say “no,” when they do say it… it’s sometimes out of politeness and with the expectation that the other person will keep insisting so they can change their “no” into a “yes”.
There’s a difference between High Context and Low Context cultures. Let me put my BA in European Studies to good use. In Low Context cultures information is communicated more directly and explicitly, usually through just the words. The communication doesn’t require much more context. The Dutch definitely fall into this category. With High Context cultures there’s much more to the message than the words a person communicates. There’s implicit information that’s not said and needs to be inferred from context (the type of situation, the non-verbal language of a person, unwritten rules for desired behavior, etc.). Indo-Caribbean culture fits better into this category.
In other words, sometimes in Indo-Caribbean culture “no” means “yes.”
It’s been really interesting navigating this cultural pattern. For example, I remember in pre-covid times, on my birthday, family members had come over and they had to leave early. I wasn’t planning on cutting the cake until in the evening, so I hadn’t yet. But I told them: “Oh, I can cut the cake right now. It’s not a problem!” They politely refused, so I accepted their response.
I had already said it wasn’t not an inconvenience and I wasn’t going to force them. But my mom nudged me, and told me to cut the cake anyway. I was being rude for not insisting they take a piece with them, because they did want it, they just didn’t want to seem rude. Apparently, they still felt that they’d be imposing even after I explicitly told them it wouldn’t be an imposition, and so they needed the insistence for their “no” to actually be allowed to be a “yes.”
So, I ended up being the rude one.
It’s fine. The older generation had a nice conversation among themselves about how the younger generation is so different from them. How the Dutch influence shows up in us.
Since “no” is so complicated in Indo-Caribbean culture, I work hard on being more assertive and pointing out my boundaries. But as you can see… there’s cultural layers with different norms and values, different unwritten rules, and they aren’t always easy to navigate, especially not with a bicultural upbringing.
Oh, this reminds me. When I was on vacation in Tokyo, I was seated in the metro and an elderly couple entered the compartment. I asked them if one of them wanted to have my seat. They both said “no.” Quite expressively! And the Dutch in me would just have accepted their answer, but the Indo-Caribbean in me got up and told them to sit down. They did, and thanked me profusely.
Just goes to show you how much culture matters. Cross-cultural and/or bicultural communication is interesting and complicated… even for such a small but meaningful word as “no.”